My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Still dying that you shit outside
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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