A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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