You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Randomize
