Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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