At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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