this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
