so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
