I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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