Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
