Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
