: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
