At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
