He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
