so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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