All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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