This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
