Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
