The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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