Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
