True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
