I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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