I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
