quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
