Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
