idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
