Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
