Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
