I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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