Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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