I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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