Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
