Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
