paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
