he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
