Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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