Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
