the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
