1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
there's paper in my vomit.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
