things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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