he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
