the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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