highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
