i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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