my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
