no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
