I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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