I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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