He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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