Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
