I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
