i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My balls are so social today.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
