Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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