I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
