My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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