i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
