just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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