Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
