When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
babies were throwing up all over the place
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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