Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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