Will you blow on my dice?
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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