My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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