My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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